I am slowly creeping toward the two year mark. Two years of never posting on my blog. Two years of avoiding it like the plague, to be honest. After my last post in 2012, my life felt like a whirlwind of sadness, grief, and exhaustion. An exhaustion I had felt before but not one I wanted to relive. In high school, my family had four loved ones pass away within a year. I still panic if I look down at my phone and realize one person has called me multiple times without leaving a message. I still assume the worst. I guess 2012-2013 wanted to top high school- except now my husband's loved ones got added into the bunch.
I don't handle grief well. I think it is a confusing beast and one that I, like many people, don't know how to talk about. Within a freakishly short amount of time I lost my great-grandmother, my cousin, my husband's father, and two of my husband's uncles. I think part of the difficulty with this grief, compared to my younger years, was losing my cousin and my husband's father totally unexpectedly. Men who were much too young to leave this earth. People who still had a lot of life to experience.
On top of all this, we got pregnant for the first time but I had a miscarraige on Labor Day of last year. And even though I was so early in my pregnancy it still kinda made my, already fragile, walls come crashing down. I remembered in high school that two little rays of light among all the deaths were my cousin's babies. I felt we had this one little miracle among all this grief and then lost that also. Typically when I'm faced with this kind of stuff, I immediately go inward. I do not ask for help and I also struggle to help others. I still struggle in how to help my husband who lost his father because I can't comprehend how he must feel.
And last year, I didn't know how to go back to a blog when the reality of our life was one loss after another. How could I not address that? How could I write about crafts and fun memories when I was hating 2013 with a bitter passion.
But, I have learned that my proclivity towards negative thinking needs to be turned around. Since this blog is usually about happy things I do I figured it was time to reintroduce it to my life. I need to learn to focus on the positive, and stop waiting in fear for the next bomb to drop.
Since my last blog post we have bought our first home. We have celebrated three years of marriage. Through good and bad we have somehow made it this far. And now I am pregnant again. Almost 19 weeks- and we just found out it is a baby boy. So far, 2014 is looking up. As hard as life is, it is also beautiful, and messy, and fun and worth the ride. And once again, since I have so much family near and far I want to post on this blog to give updates on us and this little bundle of love my body is growing. Sometimes life hands you a miracle when you need it most and 2014 may be just that for us.
In Peace and Love,
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