Pretending

Can you pretend to be someone you are not? I struggle with this question frequently. I am not someone who is good at “faking it”. You can read emotions off my face like a book. There is no secret Meredith- I am who I am.

In middle school I went through a time where I was just alone. I was never bullied- I was more ignored than anything. Other girls found boys and partying and I was left in the dust. By the time I changed schools to my high school I basically was at the point where I said screw this- like me or don’t.

Probably I really did still care but I no longer faked it. I was me- good or bad- and I made friends again. Maybe the smell of desperation was just off me. Now at work I have the same feeling.

How can you function at a job where the skill set needed is a complete 180 from the personality you have? Can you fake it? I guess that is what I keep thinking about everyday.

When I found out that I could be a therapist it was like a click was within me. I knew it was right for me. I am a good listener and through the years I have found that it is better to be supportive then constantly voice your own opinion about everything.

Yesterday, I sat with a little boy who had just had a meltdown. I got in the floor with him and calmed him down. I got him to tell me his feelings- granted they were kind of homicidal- but within a few minutes he was back to his normal self. And I loved every minute of it.

So can I fake the bulk of my day so I can catch these little glimpses of therapy? It is just a struggle everyday. Having to pretend to be someone you are not feels like an out of body experience. It makes me very uncomfortable and I am still trying to manage. I still keep praying to figure this out- my feelings and my future.